I Need You More Than I'll Ever Know

I never said what you did was right or wrong; it's wrong.

2009-04-21T06:33:53Z

Who knew that times could change.

I think. The most amazing feeling was this past weekend. I haven't felt that good all semester.

This past weekend was amazing. In the simplest manner and all.

All I can hope for is that this feeling stays with me, simply for the rest of the semester. And maybe that'll fuel some motivation for me to fix all the C's I have. I'm not going to let anyone bring me down again. Or I'm going to try really hard to associate myself with better people.

As one of my friends said before, it seemed impossible before, but you still move on believe it or not. I'm still not completely and perfectly better, but I feel so good compared to weeks ago.

All I want right now is to hold onto the goals I had made before the mess that is this semester happened. My goals are the most important, and the people that are most important to me are those who help me achieve these goals, not bring me down constantly.

The feeling is more than amazing knowing that not all faith is lost. Faith is the basis of everything beautiful.

Here I go, scream my lungs out to try to get to you.

2009-04-07T00:20:06Z

Here's me taking the time out of my ridiculously busy life to say, I'm the Clarinet Section Leader for next season!! Wooo!!!

And I've been getting 4 hours of sleep for the past week. My roommate and I woke up this morning, and the first thing she said to me was the dark circles under both our eyes. XD Sigh!!

Better update soon!

satan3ss @ 2008-10-04T12:36:00

2008-10-04T17:03:11Z

I had Wawa for the first time in over a month just yesterday. It tasted wonderful.

Last week, I rode the train for the first time with a friend who needed to go to a dentist office. We never found it, and got lost multiple times. People in Metuchen had no idea where anything was. And they live there. O.o Suree....

Today, I'm going to Plymouth Whitemarsh for Oakcrest's competition. I can't wait. I haven't seen their full show yet, and I'm absolutely excited. I get to see Sven, whom I haven't seen for three weeks now (it's slowly getting easier...) And all the other people, whom I have seen for a month+. It's like..a half surprise for all my friends there. I've only told Sven and Rickie. I'm still so very excited. My friend, Amanda, and I are going together, and she seems excited too.

I LOVE PANDORA. :D

I have tonnes of homework. XD I have a an exam, a quiz, lab report, labs, essay, and just regular problems to do. Man, I love aspiring to be a Pharmacist (half-sarcasm). I also have to figure out some financial aid stuff (damn, economy). Then, I finally get to start work study on Monday. Then, I should go about wondering why I haven't been registered to vote already when I sent in the stuff a while ago. Ah, college.

Yay, life. Love life.

;_;

2008-07-27T04:04:23Z

I have to cough up so much money for Rutgers. ;_;

My spirits are breaking again...

But I'm in a good mood right now.

It's like..I'm breaking, but I'm happy. Does that make sense at all...?

I wanna take you away, let's escape into the music.

2008-07-25T15:56:23Z

This summer is going very...interestingly...

There are many good and bad points to my entire summer. It's just...wow. Very different.

Ohh, I regret nothinggg.

Mm...It's just that, I realize there's less than a month left. I am SO RIDICULOUSLY excited for college. But...it's just depressing in the sense that my most favourite friends, that I've GROWN UP with, are all going their separate ways. This is the last stretch. My last real friends going away. This is the big stretch.

Steve's away for a week. Not that I already haven't seen him for a week. This is an odd thing to get used to, also. Our conversation last night was quite depressing, but it was...enlightening. It's funny how life works.

Here's to my last stretch. Nothing's going to get in my way. Life's too short to let petty things hold you down. Even the depressing parts invigorate you.

Here we go.

& we hoped for the best.

2008-06-21T01:38:12Z

Oh. My. God. Pogo has WORD RIOT DELUXE. *squeeeeeeeeeeee*

My jaw dropped. & I got really, really excited.

But...meh. I think you have to pay for it. & you have to download something. :[ :[

But still! It's the spirit of the matter! <3<3<3

It's been there since APRIL! OH. MY. GOD.

*collapse*

I wanna be myself again.

2008-06-10T02:09:26Z

Meh. I feel as if my life is going completely ...wrong.

Graduation is Wednesday. :| It's not phasing me anymore.

I dread summer.

But still excited. Meh.

If my parents were okay with me, I would completely adore every thought of summer. But no, I have this conflict...

and another. meh.

You'll never find it if you're looking for it.

2008-06-08T13:40:02Z

I wonder...if I should devise a runaway plan or not...

Hm.

ready a little suitcase.
money.
place...or I could be like a vagabond.

... oh, the possibilities.

Running away will be an adventure. A terrifying adventure, but regardless...

Let me begin this scheming...

If I'm without you, I will feel so small.

2008-04-16T00:39:53Z

My Cornell trip was funnn :] :] However, I think the trip's made me like Rutgers a little more, so I'm very 80% sure that I'm going to choose Rutgers. I just need some time to think it through, and talk to other people about it.

So now, tomorrow, I'm leaving for California! I'm now so very excited. I think that reason's because I was in a good mood seriously all day today. It's an odd feeling, but I can tell it's good, because some things that people normally say usually upset me, but I can joke along just fine with minimal problems.

Now, as tradition. I have here a meme that I encourage everyone to do. :]

Post anything that you want, and post it anonymously.

Anything.
a story,
a secret,
a confession,
a fear,
a love,
ANYTHING.

Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post more than once, if you'd like. Then, put this in your LJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your LJ) have to say.

I'll be back Monday. During the odd hours of the morning. XD <3

Time winds down as you stretch upward to heaven.

2008-04-07T03:03:23Z

I'm so nostalgic right now.

I miss my best friend. I miss my childhood best friend; I haven't talked to her since literally the eighth grade. I miss not worrying about anything. I miss when band was fun. I miss having easy schoolwork. I miss singing my heart out. I miss so, so much.

As of the past few days, I'm leaning very much towards Rutgers. I'm visiting Cornell this weekend (finally!) so hopefully, that'll settle my decision. Or else, it'd make it worse. We'll see...

satan3ss @ 2008-03-13T22:37:00

2008-03-14T02:37:43Z

I am such a screw up.

& this is completely un-school related. Ugh. School problems are a lot easier to fix.

Please, Fear, let me pass. I need to fix this. TOMORROW. ASAP.

Let me tell you why I would die for you.

2008-02-06T02:00:49Z

I am completely angry at myself for not registering to vote in time. Grrrr.
At least now I won't have to worry about whether I should have voted for Clinton or Obama.

I feel as if I'm making more mistakes than ever lately. My life isn't as easily decipherable as it used to be. And in all complete ridiculousness, I wouldn't want it any other way. People angry at me makes me realize I'm truly in reality. Reality SUCKS, but I love it.

The tears, the laughs, the unexpected surprises. Heart racing like crazy, chills down every fiber of my being. Inhaling the sweet scent of life, coughing up half a lung cleaning. Stuffing face with food, or forcing it down. Beasting things you never knew you could. Curling myself into a corner...with Dr Seus books and an oragami book. Confining myself into a room for hours on end. Sitting by my metaphoric hole. Getting senioritis REALLY bad. Lying to yourself, finding a scapegoat. Fearing from fear itself. Singing your heart away to the sky. Missing certain people times a million. Wishing for childhood again. Innocence now lost. Hoping for the best.

Simply living. For once.

I'm no longer in my metaphoric hole, and that's a weird feeling. I can't go back in; that simply isn't an option at all. Ever. It's really odd, especially, because when I'm upset, people actually ask me what's wrong. Shock, really. How the hell can people tell how I feel anyway?! My problems are completely insignificant.

I feel so broken inside. & yet, I can't help but smile. Life doesn't make any sense at all. Or maybe I'm just too optimistic for my own good. How sad.

I am so completely ordinary.

I tried my best for you.

2008-01-16T03:35:38Z

Haha. For some reason, I haven't felt like updating because I thought it was amusing seeing jhg812's last comment on my last entry on the front page, and if I made a new entry, I would have new comments, pushing that one down.

But for now, life is perfect.
With all the pains and tears. And all the laughs and cheers.

Why worry about six months from now when life is simply perfect?

I had my Princeton interview yesterday. Completely screwed that one up.
I swear I won't let her mess up my future. & my present.

I am a complete geek when it comes to science and math. School goes well, even though I'm pretty sure that I am not doing well in at least one of my classes.

Steve's ASJ band concert was awesome. & so was Red Lobster. & the car ride.

Late Night Tutoring today was fun. Glucose out of wooden balls and sticks. Actually tutoring people, which was really fun and enlightening. "I swear eventually my heart will stop racing." Sven dying of laughter as I talked to Stacey on the phone. *angry face*

Gym was INTENSE. & Lunch was FUH-NY. :D The next month and a half will be fun >:D *evil plotting smiley*

It "snowed" today. Gasp. Actually, it was just cold, and my mother's car was covered with ice. Yup.

There are three and a half things that are not fine.
1) FAFSA. Why won't they send those stupid forms now?!
2) I can't decide my own future. Grarghdsgkjsdgiljklds (This really means, I know what I want, but my mother refuses to even consider that).
2.5) Parents. Graghrgkldjgflkfgjlk
3.5) The deadline to register to vote was TODAY! Shit! :( I can't vote in the primaries. How sad. :(:(:(

Life goes on. & well. For now.

It seems that I'm overcoming fear a little.

I will not waste a moment thinking these thoughts.

2008-01-11T03:09:46Z

I promise life is quite awesome right now.

It's just frustrating that I feel awful being happy when everyone else is not.

What a trade-off.

We move forward through life looking at a rearview mirror.

2008-01-01T06:35:40Z

Happy New Year! :D

I have to say that this is the only legitimate time I can think of that I should recollect my past. And well, I have to say 2007 wasn't too bad.

The last few months of Junior year were quite displeasurable. March, I went to Florida with the band; those trips are always fun. In July, I went to Toronto. July began the last band season...with hopes broken as it went on. September began the last journey of high school...with hate and misery. In November, life started to get better as college applications were dwindling. December has been quite amazing.

Let's see how my goals and resolutions for 2007 have gone. Bear in mind that I normally forget my resolutions by the end of January XD

School-wise, my goal is to have fun learning.
My biggest accomplishment this year in school is becoming number three. Yay! & you know what? I have kept this goal, too! The reason I know this? My friends and I make Physics references to EVERYTHING. We even try for Calculus and Psychology sometimes, but that's a little more difficult. I love it :D I also learned more English in Kopania's class than I ever have since the seventh grade. I absolutely love school now; even the classes I hated before I enjoy now.

Friends-wise, I want to try to let myself out and bring myself closer to my friends as much as possible.
Many of my current college friends have gone, but it wasn't forever. I'm sure of this. I've talked the ones that matter recently, and that's what counts. I have attained the best friends that anyone can ever ask for in the past couple months. I don't think I can ask for any better; I can tell them ANYTHING. These people I can see myself still communicating with them twenty years down the road.

& I'm gonna get myself a boyfriend this year.
LOL. This is still in the process, but I guess it's better late than never. <3 There are extenuating circumstances for this, though. :/

Family-wise, I really want to stop fighting with everyone in my family for once.
I have to say that my awesome streak has ended here. I blame school/college and the media for this. XD (There's good reasons for those blames, too, okay?!)

Overall, I want to build my confidence to the fullest
& here, I have to say I'm more confident than this time last year. & much happier. Somehow... <3

I have to say that I liked Junior year least out of all four years, but it wasn't too bad either. The stress of school overwhelmed many of my other feelings. The start of senior year was pretty painful...band used to bring happiness, but all it brought was disappointment. Academics held a huge prominence for college apps and all. My social life was developing, and my mom disapproved.

With everything in mind, what do I have in mind for 2008?

I loved my resolutions for 2007, and the fact that I've accomplished many of them. This year, keep it going! School is all about learning now that much of the things that matter for college are coming to a close. Friends are always here for me, and I can say that for each and every one of my friends. Family ties still are loose; tie them together! Mothers and fathers should not be oblivious to a child's life.

Also, I've written a little quote on my phone to remind me how I should go through life... "Don't look for it as you will not find it." Good things happen on its own. If you don't expect anything, you aren't disappointed. Let things follow through on its own, but use every possible resource to be happy. Don't let anything get in the way of happiness. Yes, that's what I'm going to do. That's all that matters this year.

Go with the flow. That's my resolution. Enjoy life.

Oh, love, it may not seem like anything, but it's forever.

2007-12-27T02:10:40Z

Happy Kwanzaa :D

Happy Boxing Day to all the Canadians ^^*

& Happy Birthday to my Eljay! Ahhhh :D:D Three years, baby!

I wanna meet the wolves half and let them tear me apart.

2007-12-24T05:04:30Z

LOL Holy crap! I'm on past midnight! XDXD

It's Christmas Eve!

& It's Miguel's birthday!

& Joe Clark's! XD

*note to self* No more chocolate. No more staying up late.

Close the doors and I am gone.

2007-11-16T00:12:46Z

Please Do This

Name two adjectives that best describe me.

Proper update sometime soon, I hope.
Off to catch up right now.

Just when I think I'm invincible, you come and happen to me.

2007-11-13T03:10:14Z

I nearly fell apart on Saturday and Sunday.

I would've if I didn't have amazing friends.

Even if they may or may not be my true friends. They're still amazing.

Thanks for being there for me. I'll make sure you hear that personnally from me.

<3<3

Can hold my breath, only for a little while, til reality starts sinking in.

2007-10-26T02:23:18Z

I hate how everyone scoffs at me when I say I'm going to Princeton. Apparently, nobody has faith in me that I can do it. :( I wonder if I still should bother...

I have been in a good mood today. This is for reasons that do not seem nice at all. Karma might smack me in the face soon, but I swear I haven't done anything wrong.

If I set my heart into it, I'm sure I can do it.
Can't I?
I want to follow my own advice one of these days.

Life flies by so you have to embrace it.

2007-10-22T02:09:58Z

I wrote 16 pages worth of stuff in my journal this past week. I feel as if almost everything has been expressed, but I'm not too sure yet.

I've come to the conclusion that I hate this year. Senior sucks more than anything.

I hate my common app and Rutgers essays.

I hate the immense piles of schoolwork I have all the time

I hate the fact that my mom is so "typically asian" according to Drew (hah).

I hate having to have a significant amount of sleep every night. I could do something productive than sleep. Ugh.

I hate how I complain too much.

But despite all this...

I love the friends I have, even if they may not realize how significant they are to me.

& I love how we got an 89.95 yesterday.

& I love how out of all the sections in the band, the judges picked out the clarinet section; "clarinets are smokin'!"

I really don't know how to make of this. I thought I was finding myself, but maybe I'm more lost than I was before.

If there's nothing left to lose then there's everything to gain.

2007-10-08T21:34:03Z

I got a lovely Auntie Anne's pretzel and the napkin says "Any fresher and you might slap it." I don't know what I should make of that, really.

I don't really know what to think of my life right now. Band has been awful the past two weeks, and band's my life. What happens when it falls apart? What do I fall back on? Nothing. Nothing at all. I'm...so lost now. I can't even get myself to work.

I took the SATs on Saturday. I felt pretty good about them. But you see, I felt really good after my band performance on Saturday, and we got second. We lost. I guess we deserved that though. But oh, I'm so...gone now.

There's this thing about karma I don't really understand. Is it that if you think karma exists, it does? Or does it just work different ways for others?

I've been thinking about this one thing for too many days now. I want to talk about it, but I don't know how or to who yet.

My face hurtttsss.

2007-09-24T21:17:44Z

Ugh. Ew. He's driving me crazy. & he probably has no clue.

I got sunburnt for the first time ever yesterday. Ow. Face. But it isn't too bad compared to other people.

I don't want it to be October yettttt :s

Stress? Che? ...

Will update fully as soon as I'm done

-doing the laundry
-taking a shower
-eating
-read part of my English, at least
-do some college essays
-figure where the hell my other college stuff is
-read some psychology
-read some eljay entries
-download semagic because updating from LJ is annoying
-kill myself
-resurrect myself

Oh, sing the sweet sounds of sorrow.

2007-09-23T13:28:01Z

Oh wow, I'm three pages behind my friends entries.

Life's lovely. I haven't fallen yet. Still waiting for that. But I'd rather it not come so soon.

Band is heaven. I don't want this light to dim.

My dad finally fixed my computer, but the sound doesn't work. The silence is deafening.

Catch up soon. Leave a link to an entry that you'd want me to read/comment, k?

Miss you all.

I believe it's all coming to an end.

2007-08-28T15:55:58Z

There's something very, truly wrong with my computer. Sob. There's spyware or something, and it's upsetting me. Grrr. I didn't back up all my files. I'm pleading that it doesn't die completely. I've tried all that I can think of...disk cleanup, defragmenting, adaware...ugh!

School's in exactly seven days. Mmm.... It's only going to be like any other year in high school, but it seems like something so much more different. Hm.

Stacey can ride a bicycle without her training wheels. :D It took all of two-three days. It's exciting, haha.

My life's truly, very boring at the moment.